Anna Nicole Smith’s Marriage Was a Gold Digging Master Class Gone Wrong

Before meeting J. Howard, Anna Nicole Smith story was paved with sadness, poverty, and fried chicken.

Born Vickie Lynn Hogan, Anna Nicole was a poor girl from Mexia, Texas who dropped out of high school before sophomore year was up. She met her first husband, Billy Wayne Smith, while the two were working at Jim's Krispy Fried Chicken. She was married to him by 17, gave birth to their son Daniel Smith within the year, and separated from him a year after that. She worked a variety of unsavory jobs, including a waitressing stint at Red Lobster. So already we're not getting a great foundation of stability here.

The (good?) news is that Anna Nicole learned one very important life lesson: you can earn a TON of money by taking your clothes off.

In classic fashion, the Anna Nicole and J. Howard meetcute happened when her weight gain forced her into the daytime stripping shift.

Hey, we didn't say it. Though some report that they actually convened at Gigi's, hearsay is that Anna Nicole was moved to the lunchtime crowd at Rick's Cabaret for being too thick. Luckily, the frail J. Howard could only go out in the daytime. It was fate, you guys!

At first, Anna Nicole insisted they were "just friends." When recounting her first impression of the billionaire to Larry King in 2002, she was quick to note he looked like, "Someone who was just very very sick." A modern-day fairytale right there.

So the two carried on this friendly affair, with lunches to River Oaks Country Club when it was a low payday and baby talk phone calls. Also, Texas Monthly reported that "one Christmas she gave him two poster-size color portraits of herself wearing a g-string and lacy transparent top." My God, how did this man not have a heart attack right then and there? Anyway, he then wanted to wife the hell out of her.

Granted, Anna Nicole was clear she wanted to focus on her career first, but she was chill with getting fringe benefits.

On one hand, we need to give Anna Nicole tepid snaps for this part. Allegedly, J. Howard popped the question a week into knowing Anna Nicole, and she could've been like, "Hell yeah, screw this model/actress dream!" But she solidified herself as a Playboy Playmate in 1992 and earned herself a modeling campaign with Guess Jeans. She even snagged a few acting roles, like a part in the timeless masterpiece, The Hudsucker Proxy.

Members of the jury, some of you may see this as a sensible Anna Nicole Smith forgoing the comforts of her billionaire BFF. But rest assured that J. Howard Marshall had bought the buxomy blonde a house and was very much taking care of her financially. Presumably, it was only after Anna Nicole lost her Guess contract because of her issues with drugs she caved in on J. Howard Marshall's proposal.

A wedding is held in Houston and immediately after getting hitched, Anna Nicole Smith was like, "k bye" and flew off to Greece.

After patiently waiting for their marriage license to mature 72 hours, the bride wore a low-cut white gown and the groom was wheeled down the aisle. It's what every little girl dreams of. There was a mini-reception involving champagne, some cake, and they even released some white doves, because this was a v classy affair. But then, Anna Nicole put on a disguise consisting of a "wig, floppy hat, sandals and a tight yellow suit" and headed for the door. Apparently she had a photo shoot in Greece.

J. Howard Marshall started crying, and then this happened, we kid you not.

"Please don’t cwy," she said, that is not a typo. She then promised her Crypt Keeper husband that he's the one she loved, and peaced out.

Anyway, we'd like to think their 14 months of wedded bliss kept in the same tone, but it was a little bit more complicated than that.

Truth is, for much of her marriage, Anna Nicole Smith was barred from seeing her husband by his son Pierce Marshall.

When J. Howard Marshall first entered the hospital for his declining health, his son made sure to be legally declared his guardian. As such, Anna Nicole had restricted visits with J. Howard. In 1995, her lawyer, Diana Marshall (no relation) revealed that the model was allowed to see her husband in 30-minute intervals at 8 p.m., and an armed bodyguard would escort her out. It was only toward the end that Anna Nicole could get the ban lifted, but at that point, there was very little time to drink prune juice with Paw Paw.

Naturally, J. Howard Marshall died at the tender age of 90, and Anna Nicole Smith grieved by throwing the most lit funeral of all time.

Just so everyone knows, her original plan was to take his coffin to her ranch and set him up on the patio deck. What happened instead was pretty great.

Anna Nicole held a memorial service that featured an all-white motif and teddy bears. She wore a veil with a plunging white gown and sang "Wind Beneath My Winds" and nobody brought a video camera to film this trainwreck, which is absurd.

Anyway, since allegedly her husband promised her half of his fortune when he died, you'd think this is the part where she'd live happily ever after. But also if you think that, you literally didn't read the first paragraph of this article, so more drama ensues.

Essentially, Anna Nicole Smith was in an on-again-off-again battle for J. Howard Marshall's fortune for more than a decade.

Do we have time to rehash a decade of legal battles? Well, yes, but we're going to give you the shortened version. Pierce Marshall, having taken control of his father's will, made it so he inherited his father's whole lot. Anna Nicole and J. Howard's other son decided to take him to court, which led to plenty of claims and counterclaims that the bombshell really did love her decaying husband. She lost the initial case in Texas State Court in 2001.

Now, in 2002, Anna Nicole was able to declare bankruptcy and, fighting the case in a fresh fun way, was awarded a cool $474 million alleged misconduct. That was later diminished to $88 million in Federal District Court. And then the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals reversed that decision. And THEN in 2005, the case was again taken to the Supreme Court, with it being declared in 2006 that Anna Nicole can take this to Federal Court.

And in 2007 none of this mattered BECAUSE SHE DIED. And we lost the icon that was Anna Nicole.

Actually, her lawyer Howard K. Stern fought the good fight on behalf of Anna Nicole's daughter Dannielynn. But ultimately, the court case Stern v. Marshall found that Anna Nicole's estate was not entitled to any of the money previously awarded to her.

So what was it all for? Fame? Security? Love…? That is the true mystery.

More from In Touch

Anna Nicole Smith's Ex Mark Hatten Says She "Died of a Broken Heart" (EXCLUSIVE)

Anna Nicole Smith’s Death Was Just the Start of Boyfriend Howard K. Stern’s 8-Year Struggle

Sinister Conspiracy Theories Surrounding the Deaths of Iconic Hollywood Blondes